Days 302 to 332 – My Dad’s Expansion

My dad died …… My father passed away …… The old man croaked ……

None of these phrases roll off my tongue easily. They also make me feel sad – although the last one gives a visual of my dad with bug eyes and a crooked grin, pretending to be a frog.

And none resonate with Truth. When I push through the clouds of grief and get a sense of my dad, he feels light and peaceful. He is released and happy. My dad has left his frail body behind and expanded to his true size. I sense him saying: It’s all Good ….. There is nothing to grieve ….  Grieve if you must, but just remember who you Really Are.

And so, I’ve come to think of his death as The Day My Dad Expanded.

And in this time of mourning, Abraham’s teachings are guiding me. Many thoughts bring tears or a heavy heart: I’ll never get to play another game of Canasta with dad. I’ll never again get to dance with him. No more standing side by side and talking about the birds we see and wondering how much longer before the babies leave their nest. No more of those small, but profound moments of connection.

Again and again I re-focus my thoughts, letting myself feel my dad’s peace and joy; letting my grief be okay to feel but not hold onto.

I thought I may have a strong sense of my dad’s presence guiding me, but that hasn’t happened. And so I think he’s probably staying close to mom, helping her through this time, as she deals with the pain of shingles, turns 90, and watches their 58th wedding anniversary come and go without him.

And I am very thankful for my siblings. Putting together dad’s funeral service was a time of bonding, humor and grace. It was a celebration and testament to dad’s life and everything he imparted to us.

This experience has softened my heart and left me with a deep Appreciation for This Life I Get To Live.

 

 

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Days 266 to 301 – Life Is Good

Life Is Good.  The thought comes to me frequently, bringing peace and a sense of knowing that all is well.

Life Is Good.  The thought comes to me at odd moments, like when I’m brushing my teeth or standing in line at the grocery store; when I’m walking my dog in the cold, pouring rain or trying to figure out what to make for dinner.

Life Is Good.  The thought makes me smile, a secret kind of smile. I hear the news, I read the newspaper, I talk to people. I understand that many do not believe that Life Is Good, when it can seem frightening, perilous, uncertain.

Life Is Good. The deep truth of it carries me like a life raft through my days.

I appreciate my opportunity to be here, now, in this time on earth which is like no other.

After days of basking in the feeling of Life Is Good, I suddenly realize I’ve neglected a simple two letter pronoun; a possessive pronoun. The word ‘my’.

I add this pronoun, which seems to take a fierce possession of the previously peaceful thought, rendering it full of angst as I struggle to believe the truth of the thought: My Life Is Good. I can’t face that thought. When I try, I feel shattered, like a mirror which has broken into shards, each piece reflecting something different.  Something inside of me is screaming It’s a lie! My life is not good! And I struggle to feel that connection to my Inner Self, which had previously been so easy.

It takes days for me to be able to settle into the truth of that thought. My Life Is Good. And once again … and again … and again … my work is to focus on enjoying and appreciating this life I am living, while looking forward to all the wonderful things heading my way.

Days 245 to 265 – Budgie Politics

My office participates in an art show which organizes hundreds of artist’s studios to be open to the public. We provide an area for any artist with mental health issues to show their work. It’s a delight to view the hundreds of paintings, drawings, collages, pottery and other forms of art that come pouring in to adorn our walls and tables.

A client of my team had submitted three simple felt pen drawings in clip art frames. Child-like and colorful, her drawings made me smile, especially the one of her budgies frolicking in a bright blue river. One of my co-workers bought the painting to hang in our office.

Another co-worker became upset, because the artwork did not make him smile. It simply reminded him of how horrible the budgies’ lives are. His point of view surprised me, cause I had no idea he felt so badly for the birds. He doesn’t think animals should be caged. He doesn’t think this client should have budgies (or pets of any kind), because she doesn’t always open her curtains or give them fresh water daily. She also has the History Channel turned on most of the day, which highlights wars and catastrophes, and thus emits a disturbing vibration. This co-worker was adamantly opposed to having this drawing on our walls.

The co-worker who had bought the painting to brighten our office was visibly upset, saying this drawing, which had previously delighted her was now tainted with a bad feeling and she didn’t know what to do.

I sat in my office chair and watched the exchange between my two co-workers (who have worked together for years; I’m the new kid on the block). I watched how the one’s joy deflated as she listened to the other, who was not, at the moment, anywhere near The Vortex. I became keenly aware of my shift in perception since my focus has been on understanding The Law Of Attraction and learning to look at life through the eyes of Source. I looked at the drawing and felt it as an expression of the love this client has for her birds. It may be an imperfect love, as much of our love is, but the drawing reflected the best she desires to offer.

So I offered my perspective.

I, personally, could not have birds because I don’t like animals being caged, but at the same time, we all create cages for ourselves. As far as I could tell, whenever I’ve seen the birds, they’ve  always felt deeply connected to Source, and seemed to be happy and full of life.  I guessed that overall, they were happier than any of us three. I can’t say that I spoke eloquently, as I struggled to express ideas I’d not spoken before, but, while the one co-worker looked confused and didn’t seem to understand, the co-worker who had bought the drawing relaxed and brightened and hugged the drawing to her chest.

Days 238 t0 244 – Flying

I dreamed that I woke up when a woman entered my bedroom. She was walking down three steps when I opened my eyes. My bedroom, with it’s white walls, wood beams, bamboo ceiling and white sheer curtains billowing in the warm breeze was lovely and welcoming. The bed cradled me like a soft pillow. I  knew this wasn’t my bedroom, so it must be a dream, and I felt that shiver of excitement run up my spine.

I jumped out of bed and into the air to fly. It’s the first thing I do when I become lucid. I barely have a choice – I desire that sense of freedom so immediately. In this particular dream, I wanted to fly fast, really fast, like I had the pedal to the metal in a race car. But no matter what I did, the pace remained leisurely. I put my arms ahead of me, like superman. I flapped my arms like a bird. I frog kicked the breast stroke through the blue sky. I willed myself to Zoom fast. Nothing sped me up.

All week I’ve thought about that dream and the feeling of frustration I’d felt at being unable to bring that simple desire into manifestation, even in a dream. I mean, dreams should be easier to control and direct, right? I decided there was something wrong with me – that I am flawed in some deep way. I googled ‘ways to fly faster in dreams’ and didn’t unearth anything all that helpful, but was somewhat consoled that others have experienced the same problem.

As I reflected on the dream, I became bothered that I hadn’t said even one word to the lovely lady who had entered my room, especially since the glow of  her energy might indicate that she was a spirit guide of some sort. In the past I’d tried to get my dream-mates to fly with me, and it had always turned arduous, trying to convince them they, too, could fly. So now I just take off and leave everyone behind. I judged myself for becoming too much of a loner. Judged myself for feeling stifled by other people.

It took days for me to become aware of the thoughts and beliefs triggered by this dream. In listening to Abraham talk about establishing an emotional grid and letting the Universe take care of the details, I suddenly became aware of my grid of frustration, and was surprised by how intense my feelings of frustration were in the dream.

Frustration seems to have been my constant companion, available at a moment’s notice. I think I’ll learn to let this go, and focus instead, on looking forward to the solutions and changes heading my way.

Days 231 to 237 – Expanding My Comfort Zone

My supervisor has hired two people for the medication delivery routes, so while these two are being trained, I’ve scooped up as many shifts as possible, hoping this extra money will get me through the next few months.  As I am most comfortable with Route 1,  I always choose that route, but a co-worker convinced me to give Route 2 a try. There are fewer clients but triple the driving distance, and they all say it is way easier and faster than Route 1. I agreed to a shift, thinking it was good to expand and get out of my comfort zone. As it had been 6 months since my one training shift for that route, a co-worker wrote out directions and colored a map to assist me in finding some of the more difficult locations.

Heading out in the dark, I was very nervous and berated myself for putting myself through all this extra stress.  I also felt really embarrassed that this simple change was such a big issue. Trying to find a way to feel good about this experience, I decided the best thing was just to get into The Zone and trust All Would Work Out. And it did. I used the written directions to orient myself to the general direction and then, relying on my instincts, I again and again found myself parking right in front of the client’s house. It was thrilling to be so In The Zone and by the end of the shift I buzzed with energy and excitement, proud that I’d created such a good experience.

Three days later, the Route 2 c0-worker phoned in sick, and as no replacement could be found, it meant I would need to do both delivery routes that evening. I felt stressed thinking about the long evening ahead of me, but was also unbelievably grateful and amazed that The Universe had orchestrated  a Route 2 practice run so it wasn’t a brand new route. I felt very taken care of of.

At the start of this double Route, my daughter sent me a text saying she felt uneasy and had a bad, bad feeling about the evening and wanted me to be careful. I momentarily freaked, because she’s never before sent a text like that, and I wondered if maybe she was picking up on something I wasn’t aware of. I quickly decided I didn’t want to spend much time worrying about her text and thus creating a line of thought that could draw something bad to me. If what Abraham says is true, then her feelings and text came from a state that is out of the Vortex. If I can stay in the Vortex, everything should be okay.

I sang to tunes on the radio and focused on thoughts of Appreciation, withdrawing my attention from her message. I came to a  realization of the power I have to affect my reality, and the work flowed smoothly and quickly.

Days 227 to 230 – Wisdom Teeth

This has been a four day focus on my daughter, who had all her wisdom teeth removed. She’s had a rough time, with pain and swelling, mostly from the lower jaw. The T3’s made her dizzy, and at 3 a.m. on the first night, while coming back from the bathroom, she fainted and fell, hitting her head hard. So, in addition to the pain she was already suffering, she now had a bump on the back of her head, a chipped top front tooth and crooked bottom front teeth that no longer pressed up against the metal wire of the last stage of her orthodontic work. I crawled into bed with her and kept her awake for two hours, doing word puzzles on her iPad and occasionally checking her pupils for any signs of a concussion.

Despite the pain, she decided to stop the T3s because they also made her feel sad, causing her to get teary and despondent, unusual states for her. I’ve been at her beck and call, 24 hours per day, getting her ice packs and making sure they get back into the freezer, blending smoothies, cooking varieties of soft foods, and making sure she takes her antibiotics and ibuprofen.

It hasn’t always been easy. But, even when exhausted, I’ve somehow been able to find the energy to take care of my daughter. And I’ve developed a deep appreciation for the Inner Resources available to Parents, and the love and nurturing they give their children.

At times I found myself becoming resentful of all the assistance my young adult daughter needed and I wanted to say, “Make your own damn smoothie!” Then I’d look at her and see her pain and her swollen chipmunk cheeks, and think ‘I really do want to help her through this difficult time. This may be the last time she needs me to take care of her.’ And the resentment would fade away. And if looking at her didn’t switch my thoughts and feelings, I’d take the dog out for a short walk or retreat to my bedroom to read or take a short nap.

In these four difficult days I had some amazing lessons on choosing my focus. I can focus out of alignment with my deeper self and feel less than Good or I can focus my thoughts into alignment with my deeper self and my deeper desires and feel pretty darn good.

Days 224 to 226 – What’s Matching My Vibration?

My daughter’s on a quest to find cosmetics not tested on animals. She’d been a Revlon fan for years, but recently discovered that Revlon had begun marketing cosmetics in China, where animal testing on beauty products for human use is still required by law.  Vying for the lucrative Chinese market, a number of companies have had to remove the Leaping Bunny logo from their products, and have not been forthcoming about that change to their North American and European consumers.

Seeing how healthy and energetic our senior dog is becoming since removing Milk Bones and other processed/packaged treats from his diet,  I’m reconsidering everything I bring into the house. It started with me not being able to purchase items I’ve bought for years, like Lubriderm hand cream, Febreze air freshener, potato chips and meat.  They were on my shopping list, but I just couldn’t put them into the cart.

I’ve considered myself to be a knowledgeable shopper who rarely purchases processed foods like canned soup, sugary cereals and white flour/white sugar products. Artificial sweeteners have always left a chemical residue in my mouth that has me spitting the product into a garbage can and scrutinizing the ingredient list of many products. Now I’m realizing there is much room for improvement. As my energy refines and I focus on taking care of myself, meat is no longer appetizing, and vegetables are becoming delicious.  Artificial fragrances and regular wax candles have me holding my breath and leaving the room as quickly as possible. I thought I would simply use up the products I have while researching new options, but that is becoming increasingly difficult to do.

Even though I’ve been a vegetarian off and on since 1970, and I was raised on whole grains, yogurt and steamed vegetables at a time when everyone else was eating SpaghettiOs and bologna, this change has come as a surprise because it’s not been a conscious choice on my part involving research and deep thought. It’s more like I’ve been wanting to clean up and simplify my life, and this change is, as Abraham puts it, the next logical step. With little effort on my part, I’m being guided into a healthier lifestyle. I am craving wholesome, simple, real foods that still have life force within them, so even the processed vegetarian options aren’t appealing.

I’ve always intuited there is a vibrational relationship between myself and everything I come into contact with. I’m now seeing things just falling away that no longer match my vibration, and this is coming at a time when I was sometimes thinking that not much has changed since I started this blog.

And again I say: Very Interesting!

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